YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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