I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
