I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
