I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
