Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
