I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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