Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Is it penis luge time yet?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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