Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I didn't notice because vodka
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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