Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
