Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
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I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
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Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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