She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
