My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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