I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
they're like a gay fantastic four
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
