It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
even my farts smell like vagina
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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