just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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