I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
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Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
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I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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