Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
