Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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