I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
