I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
