She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
