look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
