I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
