i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
