dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
