Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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