Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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