Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Drunk is a universal language darling
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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