Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
