He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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