thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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