you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
