Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
