No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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