they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
