Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i love accidental penises.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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