My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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