sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
