the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
