I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
