how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
