is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
