I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
