I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
