If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
smell my finger.
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It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
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I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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