bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
