There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
