i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
