I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
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Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
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There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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