I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
