there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize