I just cut my nipple shaving
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
