Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
