so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
