I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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