I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
