i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Mom said you looked used
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
